Presence vs. Pictures

We all have a deep need to feel loved, held, and accepted by our communities and groups of people we are around. Social media taps into this intention and simultaneously hits us with the dopamine we crave of being socially accepted and noticed, but the simultaneous shallowness and emptiness of surface level relationships and conversations leave us craving attention. The moment I landed in Australia I noticed the knee jerk reaction I had to wanting to show everyone I’ve ever met how cool It is that I’m in a new country and how beautiful it is. This deep need for attention is a natural human instinct, but for me it can feel even more intense because it stems from some deeper traumas. Being unable to share with the masses on social media what I am up to has been simultaneously hard and rewarding.  Every cool thing that I do, one of my first reactions is to whip out my phone, open Snapchat, and take a picture of it. I’ve had much more time now to reflect and deconstruct this impulse. By not having the option to give into it, the impulse has faded. I sometimes feel like I’m missing out, and that people are forgetting about me since I’m not posting online anymore. I also feel this sense of disconnect from people back home. On the other hand, I feel much more authentically connected to all the friends I chat with on WhatsApp (I’m aware this is owned by Meta, and I’m not happy to be using it), and I’m able to send photos of my experience through there. I have also found that my need to take pictures has decreased, as well as trying to look/act a certain way in pictures and videos. Now, when I take a photo, it’s for me. This has taken SO much pressure off of me to try to perform in a certain way and represent myself in a certain light. It has also made me much more aware of when others are being very performative for social media. Before I left, I made a decision to fully abstain from all social media that I can post on (Snapchat is my personal arch nemesis, I love posting on there for the intention of showing everyone what I’m up to) as well as, of course, Instagram and X (which I’ve been away from for a while now). I can’t even get into my Snapchat even if I want to, because the 2 factor verification sends a code to my US phone number, not my Australian one. This stresses me out. I’ve been wanting to check it and watch my “Flashback Memories” and see other people’s stories, but suddenly I am stripped of that ability. The urge I feel to check my Snapchat reminds me of the urge I used to have (before I quit) to reach for my Juul every few minutes. It truly feels like I am in withdrawal, after only being back on Snapchat for a few weeks after NoSo November was over. I feel a simultaneous tinge of pain, but also excitement that I don’t have to curate a whole aesthetically pleasing post of my travels (that just happens to neglect any difficult experiences I may have encountered) to brag to everyone how great my life is (even though I still struggle a lot). Everyone I have met out here studying abroad is ammasing the PERFECT 1% of photos they’ve taken to post and share with their friends back home. There is no shade towards them, I was one of them just a year ago. However, watching them spending so much time focusing on their Instagram posts, drains them of the ability to be present in the experience they are posting about.

I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to visit the Great Barrier Reef last weekend, and as I snorkeled through the beautiful coral and thousands of species of fish, I noticed something. I had no ability to capture what I was seeing, I was just deeply present taking it all in. I thought to myself, “wow, it would be really nice to capture this moment so I can remember it forever”. But then I stopped in my tracks. I looked around, and saw people chasing beautiful fish with their underwater cameras. I saw them floating in the water looking at their phones. And I realized, I am the most likely person here to remember this experience in such depth that I am experiencing it because I am not capturing it. I thought back on the many concerts I went to in high school, and how I would film almost every song, and how I’ve literally never gone back to watch those videos, and how I don’t even remember the concert. Capturing things is an incredible abilitiy us humas have come across, but it can ruin the moment were in. I have such vivid memory of my time at the reef, and though I don’t have a cool photo of me swimming with fish, I will always remember how it felt to be in that moment. And because there is no where for me to post these photos, the urge to even take them has vanished. What a beautiful lesson.

I am so grateful that I’ve made this decision. It’s definitely taking a while to adapt to, and I wish there was some sort of middle ground, but overall the decision to abstain from social media for the next 6 months of my travel has been very rewarding. Overall, without having the need to post, I’m on my phone much less and I am able to be deeply present in the experiences I’m having. And for that, I am forever grateful.